We sat looking into one another’s eyes. She says, ‘mom, I thought about it and I really want to go back to school’. She is bright eyed but the start of tears begins to emerge. She continues, ‘Mom I want to meet people. They have a garden. The have the biggest library I’ve ever seen. I’ll be careful she says’. My eyes begin to well up with tears as I sit knowing that her hearts desire is one that I never had to face.
Of course, you feel this way. Of course, you want to meet people. To crave the garden and library, who can say no to this? I ask myself, can I put my own fears, worry and anxiety aside to allow her desires? I am scared. It has been a full year since we had to make these hard decisions for our children. Here we are again, trying to decide what is right for our family, our children, our community.
I stand on the curb hugging both my children probably more than they desire to be hugged in front of their new middle school. She hugs me tightly back and looks me in the eyes and says, “I love you mom’. I love you more”, I say. “See you after school! Have fun!” Watching them walk up to the front gates, dressed for the first day of school, backpacks on their backs, nervous but eager to step into middle school. They are together I tell myself. What a gift!
I slowly walk back to get into the car and begin to sob. Sobbing for the fact that I’m scared but remaining hopeful that this choice will not harm them. I am the adult. I ‘should’ know right and wrong. I ‘should’ know how to keep them safe. Do I? I tell myself; you are doing your best in a situation that none of us expected.
What comes up for me in this moment is TRUST. Of course, this is about TRUST! I am asking myself, ‘Can I trust my new community?’, Can I let go of MY worry and anxiety to allow them to be children and trust this decision and path we are on. Can I?